MAY 16th. Tip #6: Score Dinner at Exclusive Parties and Become a Cross-dressing V.I.P.

A good place to score dinner is at exclusive Hollywood parties. At first, it may seem you have a better chance of getting into Catherine Deneuve's pants than into a Miramax party, but if you put on a tuxedo and the puffed-up swagger of a V.I.P. asshole then it's possible. This rarely works for the average Troma fan so you might try a fake laminated press pass. We have a great selection of very official looking bogus "press passes" for the Troma Times. Lamination is the key! The French love lamination.

If that doesn't work, you can follow a TV crew into a party. Either chat them up early or pick up a cable as they're going inside so you look like part of the crew. Don't waste your energy trying to get into the V.I.P. rooms at the parties; all the good, filling food is in the main room.

And remember, looking like a pompous, stuffed shirt asshole is not de rigueur at Cannes so bring a dinner jacket or a dark jacket with a bow tie (if you're a man or a woman) or a tight-fitting, long evening gown (if you are a man or a woman).