I have been going to the Cannes Film Festival for 25 years, and have seen it metamorphose from an occasion to encourage cinematic explorers like Godard and Cassavetes into a shrine to big money and "Godzilla" promotion. So this year, acting in my capacity as president of Troma Entertainment, I set out with my idealistic Troma Team to set things right in the south of France.

As patriotic Americans and citizens of this global village, we concentrated on issues of a more global significance than the buying, selling and promotion of movies.

We converted our suite at the Carlton Hotel's Salon Esterel into the headquarters for a special conference on Global Warming. In keeping with Troma's own vaunted traditions, we appointed "Baywatch" star Carmen Electra honorary chairperson of the conference. Why? Because Electra is a renowned expert on the warming of globes both large and small. Playboy Playmates India Allen and Shauna Sand Lamas also presented their bodies of work on the issue.

The research of Trey Parker and Matt Stone, creators of the hit smash "South Park", on the effect that the consumption of human flesh has on resource depletion, was also on display in the unspooling of their first film Cannibal! The Musical.

Troma also premiered two important new films concerned with the issue of global warming. "Sucker: The Vampire" explores the impact that rising worldwide temperatures have had on the daily lives of vampires. "Decampitated" is a study of the effect that massive deforestation has had on libidinous teen-age campers and the psychopathic urges of an environmentally conscious serial killer.

Also, on hand at the conference was professor Tox E. Avenger, an expert on the effects of Toxic Waste on 98-pound weaklings and the title character of Sgt. Kabukiman N.Y.P.D. direct from his triumphant "Save the Sushi" campaign.

Troma has always explored environmental issues. With Hollywood's recentendorsement of environmental excess in the Academy Award-winning film "Good Whale Hunting" we felt it was time for Troma to escalate the war against environmental ruin.

At the Cannes Film Festival, the Troma Team did indeed carry out our mission. The Global Warming Conference was a tremendous success, raising consciousness and temperatures not only in France but around the world. If only more entertainment companies would emulate the Troma Team and the values for which we stand!